Due to recent events (namely me getting engaged!) I foresee a significant drop in my posts on KellTales. Not to worry. I plan to chronicle the crazy task that is planning Ray’s and my wedding on my new blog unveiled – one bride’s journey from engaged to “i do.”
Please feel free to stop by, read, comment, suggest, advise, etc.
Halloween is fast approaching, meaning the frenzied search for the perfectly costume is officially in full effect. As a girl in Oregon, this often means deciding between how comfortable you want to be versus how sexy you want to appear. It is no secret that a young woman’s Halloween is often nothing more than an excuse to wear 2 square inches of fabric as a costume, praying you stay warm while you simultaneously pretend to put out flames as a sexy fire firefighter. To quote Mean Girls, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and do other girls can say anything about it.”
This year, I plan to take a different approach. Perusing Halloween costume patters the other day, I came across the most amazing, ridiculous looking outfits for adults. Maybe it was the corny posing of the models, or perhaps my boyfriend’s shared exuberance to make fools of ourselves. It might even be the fact that I essentially get to wear pajamas to a party while everyone else is sporting the cheap, flimsy fabric you find in most costumes. Regardless, I am embarking on a sewing mission this afternoon to make these stupendous costumes a reality. Wish me luck!
The Internet is a massive and wonderful tool. You can connect with old friends, get the most current information on almost any subject, and find endless sources of cheap entertainment. Yet, those who use the Internet for that last list item, I am sure, often quickly find themselves in a rut. Let’s face it, we are creatures of habit. So even when given unlimited options for entertain ourselves, we are still more likely to continue to peruse the same few sites over and over again. I am no different. And so, I have decided to share a few of my favorite Internet locales in the hopes that this broadens some people’s scope of entertainment and encourages them to suggest a few back.
1. Listverse – How could I start a list about fun websites and not include the one that lists everything else? Listverse.com is the massive compilation of hundreds of lists pertaining to everything from art and literature to health to the bizarre. It provides an excellent time waster as well as a way to learn a fun fact or two. Just beware of the subject/list you choose. Some can be fairly creepy of graphic while others have images that are definitely NSFW.
2. Foodgawker – Looking though a 2-inch thick recipe book with nothing but recipe titles and finely printed ingredients/instruction can get old. Welcome to foodgawker.com. Both inspiring and mouth-watering, this website allows you to choose your recipe based upon the image of its end result. You may also narrow your search to one of the multiple categories (my favorite is “desserts” of course) or use the handy search tool to look for a specific main ingredient. All results look absolutely delicious. The hardest part will be choose just one! (An incredibly similar site to this is tastespotting.com)
3. People of Walmart – If you are a frequent Walmart shopper, I apologize in advance if this you find this site offensive. But COME ON! It is absolutely amazing how many train wrecks walk the aisles of that store. Peopleofwalmart.com provides hilarious photos, contests, stories, and videos of the shoppers of said discount store. I would try to describe some of them but you are really better off just going to the site yourself. There is also a book and a merchandise store. A merchandise store for a website about a store! Really?! Really.
4. Tucker Max – Perhaps some will remember the film “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” from a few years back. I personally never saw it. I couldn’t tear myself away from Tucker Max’s website long enough to buy myself a ticket. This site is definitely not for those easily offended or disgusted. Seriously. However, if you are looking for some hilarious and raunchy alcohol fueled (quite well written I might add) then give tuckermax.com a try. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if you end up vomiting (whether from laughter or disgust) on your computer screen.
5. Postsecret – The only downside to this site is that you only see a new post once a week. Nevertheless, the vulnerability you recognize from reading the cards on postsecret.com is both chilling and amazing. Reading these secrets brings out so many feeling for me personally. I have been furious at the writer. I have been furious at the person that hurt them. I have smiled and laughed aloud. I have felt deep empathy and pity. I have thanked God I know some secrets don’t pertain to me and sometime look at others and wonder if they do. The most incredible feeling is when you see a card, a secret, and you KNOW you share the same one.
This is, by far, not all the places I stop on my way about the web, but certainly some of the most common and memorable. Hope you enjoy a site or tow from this list and please feel free to recommend your own.
Everyone always talks about the “little things” worth living for, the “little things” that make you happy. But what about the “little things” that just piss you the hell off? What about those seemingly insignificant moments, ticks, behaviors that, for some reason, just drive you up the wall? As amazing as it is what simple things can make people (myself included) happy, the most abstract occurrances can easily send them in the other direction. One of my top offenders: the microwave.
Now understand, I love microwaves. They heat up delicious Thanksgiving leftovers. They provide me a fast track to my hot cocoa fix. But, don’t push the reset button and it’s a whole different story. Ask anyone in my family and they will confirm that the microwave in my parent’s house almost always showed the correct time on its little digital clock. Why? Because after each person finished re-heating their respective food or drink, pulling the newly warmed delectable from the microwave with just a second left (let’s be honest, the beeping timer at the end gets real old, real fast) I would be there within the minute to make sure the reset button had been pushed to clear the leftover time. Maybe it would not have been such a big deal had there been another functioning clock in the room. Maybe I can just be a little anal, but nothing used to infuriate me more than looking at the microwave to see what time it was, only to be faced with a lone “1” in the digital window. It was like the appliance was flipping me off! I just could not stand it!
I realize this confession places me in the category of slightly insane, but truly, everyone has their own little tick. It all comes down to whether you are crazy enough to fess up to it (which clearly, I am). So what about you? Are you just crazy enough to tell me? What is your “little thing”?
DITCH THE UMBRELLA – This may seem counterproductive, but let me assure you, most people who have grown up in the Willamette Valley do NOT use an umbrella. There may be the rare occasion if you are incredibly dressed up, with a hairdo that will not fit underneath a hood, but seriously, consider how much of a pain umbrellas are. They add to the amount of space you must occupy walking down the street. You are constantly looking out to make sure the wiry ends don’t poke someone in the eye. They get pulled, tugged, and tossed by the blowing wind. They drip mercilessly, leaving a “puddly” mess every time you find shelter indoors. All in all, you are better off skipping the fight (and later, dead weight) of carting around this contraption. Instead…
INVEST IN A GOOD RAINCOAT – Being that Oregon is an incredibly outdoor oriented state, finding a store that can sell you a decent raincoat is not going to be an issue. Make sure to opt for one that is waterPROOF, not water RESISTANT. Trust me, when you are soaking wet at the start of the fourth quarter of a football game where it has been drizzling/raining all day, you will wish you had. Additionally, don’t worry about getting an incredibly heavy coat. You can always layer more shirts or a sweatshirt underneath, but rain in Oregon does not necessarily mean it is going to be cold.
DO NOT FEAR THE OUTDOORS – During the summer times, we cannot help but seek out water. From the beach to the lake to the pool, the summer months seems to be an endless quest to be outdoors, having fun, and getting completely soaked. Why should that suddenly change when the water is brought to you? I am not advocating swimming in a puddle (although jumping in them can be quite fun). Instead, don your new raincoat and go for a walk. Enjoy the fact that the sun isn’t beating down on you, and the air is permeated with the fresh scent of rain. (Don’t lie, everyone loves that smell.) Reality is, if everyone living in Portland stayed indoors until the rain stopped, the city would be a virtual ghost town all year except for mid-June through most of September. Last time I checked, that clearly wasn’t the case.
ENJOY THE RAIN FROM INSIDE – Even with the last tip, I must admit there are some days that are simply going to be I-don’t-want-to-go-outside-rainy. Whether it is because we are in the middle of a particularly vicious downpour, or the excess grayness has got you feeling a little blah, do not let remaining inside become a negative. Look at the rain as a great motivator to catch up on that book you started a month ago. Build a fire. Start a project. Bake some cookies. Or maybe you could simply use the weather as a guilt-free excuse to snuggle up on the couch and watch your favorite movies all day. To be clear, making a habit of all-day-movie-marathons probably isn’t a great idea, but the once-in-a-while-rainy-day-film-fest is just fine.
As long as I have known her, Barbie has perpetually been 5 steps ahead of the rest of the women on Earth. Between flawless skin, a hunky boyfriend, an unbelievable figure, and about 50 successful occupations, she is like a beauty queen overachiever on steroids. It’s too much to handle! To much to take! What I would LOVE to see is a real woman’s Barbie. Not only that. She would be portraying something every true girl must go through:
their period.
Menstruation Barbie would be outfitted not in her usual fashionable attire, but ugly grey sweats to better hide the week’s unfortunate bloating. Chocolate stains line the edges of her lips and the stress lines of holding 50 different careers, plus constantly losing her shoes (if you have ever had a Barbie, you totally understand this) would finally be visible on her forehead. As for Ken, he would be cowering in the corner, the latest victim of her unstable hormonal rage.
If anyone has ever seen a Barbie like this, or created one themselves, please let know/send a pic. I would love to see it.
As I have mentioned before, I don’t exactly live or work in the nicest part of town. There are crazies on the MAX, homeless on the streets, and piss on the sidewalks. So it should come as no surprise that a certain individual near my office has taken it upon himself to add to the delirium
Perhaps he is unstable. Maybe it’s a fetish. There is also the slight chance that he simply hates the US postal service. Regardless of the reason, this particular creature decided to make a very public “genetic deposit” (as my coworker put it) into the curbside mailbox across the street from my work building. And the scary reality is, he can’t possibly be the ONLY one.
So now, my heart goes out, both to the postal workers who have to deal with this sort of craziness on a regular basis, as well as the two poor little curbside mailboxes in the area that had to be removed. All that remains are some sad little bolts on the sidewalk. And all I can think is: What is gonna happen next? Oh P-Town
I never really grew up as a picky eater. Sure, I, like most kids, fought with my parents when a few choice vegetable were placed on my place (still not a fan of green beans), but for the most part I was pretty good about clearing my place. Spinach: yum, steak: yes please, broccoli casserole: delicious, corn: haiyoooo! However, I now find myself dating someone who, while still not necessarily picky, has a few idiosyncrasies when it comes to food. This is my food challenge and I hope one day to ease him into a love of a few more tasty treats.
1. Cheese – He likes cheese only half the time. Bring him a plate of fine brie and gouda with crackers and wine to boot and he will assuredly decline. Heat that cheese up on a disk of dough with some pepperoni on top and it will be gone before you know it. The only exception to this rule, as far as I have found, is mozzarella. Ironically, you mostly find this cheese melted and gooey on top of a hot italian dish anyway.
2. Fish – Growing up in the Northwest I love, love, LOVE my fish. I have been eating more than my fair share of delicious chinook salmon since I was little, not to mention the occasional treat of backyard bbq oysters, a few rare meals of lobsters, and pretty much every other fish or shellfish I have been able to try. NOT from the Northwest, my significant other HATES seafood. I guess scarring childhood experiences have made him believe that all fish is inevitably gross and “fishy.” “Not here!” I try to tell him. “We have wonderful seafood here!” But alas, I think I may be too late to help him understand the joys of a wonderfully made cioppino or delicious grilled clam.
3. Coffee – Now, this one really gets me as I was recently able to trick the BF into digesting a little coffee without his knowledge, and he LOVED it. I think what scared him the most is the bitterness of a dark bold roast, which is (of course) what I prefer. Being privy to such a flavor around me, he won’t even try the glorified, liquified desserts known as coffee drinks (caramel macchiato, anyone?), no matter now sweet I tell him they are. Then, the other day, I snuck a bit of coffee ground directly into a batch of chocolate chip cookies I was baking and let him try one, not telling him my secret ingredient. He thought they were amazing, said he couldn’t even taste the coffee (which I wonder about because I could). Nevertheless, it made me feel like I had at least made some headway on his unique pickiness.
Despite all his protests, I sometimes find myself thinking… maybe, someday, we will be able to sit down to a meal of smoked salmon and brie, followed by a lovely warm and foamy cappuccino the next morning…. maybe not.
Made in Oregon sign – It may not actually say “Made in Oregon” anymore, but this always was and will be how I remember the sign from growing up here. Perched atop the White Stag Building on the West end of the Burnside Bridge, this iconic landmark has lit up the Portland skyline since 1941. Of course, then it read “White Stag Sugar” to advertise a specific sugar brand to all the city. In the years following the original lettering, the sign has also said “White Stag” and “Made in Oregon” before finally becoming the “Portland, Oregon” you can see today. And while it seems people are happy with the current lettering, there was much dispute a few years ago when word first got out that the “Made in Oregon” was going to change. Most of this was in protest to the sign being changed to “University of Oregon,” a college based in Eugene but with multiple Portland-based programs and leasing the building the sign sits upon. (The lease extended to the rooftop, thus including the sign.) Instead, after much debate, the UO decided to simply not continue the lease (on the rooftop, that is, you can still find them in the White Stag Building) and the city took over. That is when the lettering was changed to the current “Portland, Oregon” with “Old Town” in the smaller lettering underneath.
At least, through all these changes, on thing remained the same. You will always see a red rudolph nose lit up on the white stag around the holiday.
Nicknames – So far throughout these posts, I am sure you have noticed me call Portland a few things other than its official name. The truth is, Portland goes by many different names. To begin with, if you ever get a txt referring to the city from a local, do not be surprised to find “Portland” has been shortened to “PDX” the code identifying its international airport. This is a common occurrence, especially with the exponentially growing use of social media and electronic communication. And going along with this trend, another shortening for Portland is (can you guess? it’s the title of this post for crying out loud) P-Town! Other nicknames may derive from some sort of city history or background. “Stumptown” came to be during the time that Portland was a hub for the logging industry, leaving stumps everywhere, and “Little Beirut” was bequeathed upon Portland by George Bush’s staff after several encounters with the city’s protestors. Additional names include Bridgetown (not hard to figure out why)
as well as RIP City (added recently, thanks to the Portland Trailblazers). Officially, Portland’s nickname is the Rose City, and you can find that correlation EVERYWHERE. There are the International Rose Test Gardens, the annual Rose Festival, the Rose Parade, the Rose Quarter… “Rose City” is even prominent in many a Timbers Army chant(don’t worry, I will get to what the TA is later). I guess when it come to Portland, once name just wasn’t enough.
One-way Streets – I once heard Portland referred to as a game of Battleship – streets going alphabetically one way, and numerically the other. (Really, this is only in the Alphabet District) Thus, you would think with a little common sense, it would make it very easy for someone to find their way around. Enter the one-way street. Portland is rife with one-way streets. This city thrives on them, collects them like old stamps, and uses them against unsuspecting visitors as a way to trap them here FOREVER. Okay, maybe that is a little much, but I have been living here almost my entire life and I STILL will find myself driving around in circles once in a while. Add in a few bike lanes here and there, a “bus only” lane than seems to magically appear in front of you, and a few sets of MAX tracks, no wonder you can always see people walking along the sidewalk as opposed to braving the metropolis maze. Truth be told, it isn’t really that bad, but just make sure you give yourself plenty of extra time if you plan to drive downtown for something. Because, after all the circling around, honking, and last-minute turns… you are still going to need to find a parking spot.
Portlandia – No, I am not talking about the IFC show about this wonderful city… although I do need to catch up on my episodes. Portland, Oregon is home to second largest copper statue in the United States (the first being the Statue of Liberty) Portlandia (and it’s not green either!). You can find this statue downtown at 1120 SW 5th Avenue. Just look up. There, staring down from the Michael Graves’ Portland Building, is a piece of art that many people don’t even know exists. Admittedly, when the trees are in full bloom and you are speed walking back to your office building, it’s easy to miss. Nevertheless, it is a fairly impressive sight (with informational plaque across the street) to check out if you find yourself meandering around downtown with a little extra time.
Why do teachers always have us take tests with no. 2 pencils? Are we not good enough for no. 1?
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